parenting *sigh* (Anna)

I committed that cardinal sin of parenting a toddler today.

That's right: I turned a direction into a question. Savvy parents, of course, know that questions like "Do you want to stop playing now?" "Do you want to put your cracker down?" or 'Do you want to go to bed?" are, well, asking for trouble. But it's so tempting to water down commands by making it sound like there's an option.

We got home from work/day care after a long day. We were tired and hungry - we just wanted to get in the door and throw our bags down and change out of our work clothes. And I desperately needed to pee. Caroline went ahead to unlock the door and I crawled into the back of the car to haul Emma out of the car seat, really really grateful that the work day was almost over.

And I said, "Hiya you. Do you want to get out of the car now?" Not, "let's get you out of the car" or "Time to go in now" or anything sensible like that. But "do you want to get out of the car now?"

And Emma's response was, predictably, "no".

So there I was stuck, somewhere between my high-falutin' parenting philosophies, the practicalities of the situation and my own stupidity.

The mental narrative went something like this:

She's a toddler. She's learning what 'no' means and she's learning to assert what she wants/needs. She is developing opinions, which is an important part of developing identity. We are trying to teach her that her needs/wants/preferences will be respected, when they are communicated in an appropriate way. (Our answer might be no, but the question will be treated with respect). This is especially true if her wants/needs/preferences have been solicited. In fact, we go out of our way to offer her choices and decisions so that we can respect her answer. What does she learn if she answers a question, only to find her answer completely ignored?

She did not create this situation. She has no way of knowing that my question was a command, thinly disguised as a question. This is not a case of her saying no to something we have asked her to do, or an example of a toddler tantrum. She is not protesting. We are not in a power battle at the moment; this is not a fight I need to win as a parent. I asked her a neutral question; she simply answered. The only reason I am now in an awkward position is because I should never have asked the question. She has done nothing wrong; why should I now tell her that her "no" isn't worth the breath it took her to say it?

I need to pee. There is no way I am sitting with her in the car until she is ready to get out (on another day, maybe, not today). There is no way I am leaving her in the car by herself (not today; not for many years to come).

So, I found myself breaking parenting rule 57 b, clause 3: "talk to toddlers in short, easy sentences that they can understand" and said something like, "I'm sorry. I made that sound like a question, didn't I. But it actually wasn't a question. It was a statement. We are getting out of the car now. We are going inside. We are undoing your belt. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that you had a choice. You actually don't."

And Emma didn't break any rules. She followed the toddler's cardinal rule to the letter: "When your parents make you do something you don't want to do (especially if they're babbling incomprehensible dribble drabble at you), have a meltdown." So I had to carry a screaming, frustrated toddler out of the car and up the steps.

I think I said something like, "Yup. That's fair. You have every right to be angry at me. Let's go inside."

My saving grace? I didn't add, "shall we?" on the end.